How to Stay Calm & Centered during Tantrums?

It is our job to share our calm and not join their chaos when tantrums happen

When I think about “peace” in being a mother, I think about toddlers tantrums and meltdowns. 

You see, I’m a person who is very sensitive to loud noises. My husband always find it amusing / endearing when he sees me literally hop when I hear a thud somewhere in our house, or when there is a sudden car screech from the film that we are watching together. Loud noises not only just scares me, but it activates my “fight or flight” mode. My childhood memories of being shouted at and reprimanded loudly by my caregivers comes back to memory, and I get very uncomfortable. 

So when I first heard E having his first meltdown, I desperately wanted him to stop because my inner mind was overwhelmed with the loud shouting and I was not able to process what is happening at all. I tried my best to hold him as he flared his arms all over me. I really wanted peace restored in myself and our home/whatever place that we were at! 

My experiences from the first few meltdowns led me to read and learn strategies to support E and myself better during these challenging moments. I then put together a framework that helped me tremendously in staying calm and centered. 

Before I share the framework, let’s talk about the definition & reasons for tantrums

Tantrums are expressions of frustration from our children with the challenges at the moment. The reasons that tantrums happen include: 

• Unmet needs - they could be thirsty, hungry or sleepy

• Lack of Skills, like not able to communicate verbally what they want or unable to problem solve a toy that they are playing with  

• Unable to regulate emotions - Children can get overwhelmed easily due to their brain development. Their amygdala hijacks their brain and their brain is flooded with the emotions that they are feeling. I recommend reading the book “The Whole Brain Child” by Dr Dan Siegel to have a greater understanding of our child’s seemingly irrational and possibly frustrating behaviors through neuroscience.

Here are some tips that we can do to understand and manage tantrums 

• Provide a sense of routine and rhythm for our children so that they can expect what to happen in the day

• Understand brain development of children and offer opportunities to develop skills and regulate stress & emotions 

• Be the calming presence when the tantrums happen

I know, it can be challenging to be calm when our kids are screaming literally next to our ears. Thankfully E gives me practice in using the framework, which I call it ‘ABCD’. 

Ready to dive in? Here ‘s the ABCD Framework to Staying Calm & Centered

A - Acceptance 

This, my friend, is the toughest part for me of staying calm. Often I catch my inner voice saying, “Ugh, not again. What does he want?” when E cries for me. Meltdown & Tantrums are of course a more intense version of their expression of their feelings. But the moment we accept the situation and tell ourselves that our child's brain is yet to be fully developed to regulate emotions and their difficult behaviour is a request for help from us, our mindset shifts from a reactive approach to a responsive approach. Do beware of thinking that our child is doing it on purpose or is trying to get us - their cognitive function of the brain is unable to do so at this age. 

B - Breathe and Be Curious 

By taking a quick & deep breath, we give ourselves space to acknowledge our feelings, respond to the situation and feel more calm. We then can observe with curiosity on the reasons of our child's behaviour. 

Hold space for our child to express their emotions and feelings. This is the time when we can model calm for their behaviour, rather than scolding them because their brain are not receptive to any words at this point of them - some may even feel more frustrated if you talk too much. However, If you need to have your child to move to a safer place - go ahead and do it first! 

C - Coregulate Emotions 

It’s our job to share our calm and not join their chaos when tantrums happens. Co-regulation are responsive interactions that provide the support & modelling children need to understand and express that thoughts, feelings & behaviours. When we speak in calm tone to our child, acknowedge their feelings and offer a physical hug, our child recognise that we are here to support & make sense of their situation, and they can trust us more. They also begin to learn how to regulate their own emotions and feelings. 

When I find it hard to stay centered with E, I take deep breaths and remind myself that  my behaviour and the way I respond is an opportunity for E to feel loved, safe and secure in expressing their emotions. 

D - Dive into Connection

After the tantrum happens, we can connect with empathy with our child and invite them to name the feeling and the cause behind it. For non-verbal toddlers, we can state the observation and allow them to respond to have a sense of the triggers and allow them to understand what has happened.  This is important to hone their awareness, emotional intelligence and problem solving skills.

Here are some things that we can do after the tantrums 

1. Provide your observations objectively

2. Model appropriate behaviour, share consequences & provide choices

3. Set loving limits and explain the reason behind it

An example of 1 - 3 could look like this:

“I see you hit your brother. I noticed you were really upset when he destroyed your LEGO castle. It is okay to be mad, but I wouldn’t let you hit him as hitting hurts. Your brother really wanted to play with you, maybe next time you can invite him to play a block on your castle or give him some blocks to play too?”

4. Provide opportunities for skills building and support them when required 

Children love to feel empowered, so allowing them to try something that they want might help them to build the skills that they are eager. Yes, it might get messy and take a longer time to complete/do, but what we can do as parents is to facilitate the opportunity for them to have a go and support them when required.

5. Share tools in regulating their stress & emotions

As a advocate for mindfulness, I have been introducing activities for E to identify emotions as the first step to recognise his own emotions. For older toddlers, they can do their own glitter jar to shake or offer them playdough to squeeze when they are stressed or overwhelmed. Allow them to have a space to calm down at home also helps!

I’ve got you covered to remind yourself to share your calm during the next tantrum. Click here for a summary card on the ABCD framework. Let me know how it works for you and tag me at @thecuriousmomma on Instagram.

Have a lovely day ahead! x